Gara-gara ditinggal teman gw, gw kadang jadi suka mikir.. Why do we try so hard? Teman gw itu pinter, hardworking, tapi suka stress.. Buat pindah dari uni dia yang dulu ke uni gw, nilai dia harus semuanya at least distinction. Dan itu bener-bener bikin dia stress berat dan ngga bisa pergi-pergi enjoying his life. Iya, nilai dia semuanya ngga ada yang lebih rendah dari distinction, but he died without having spent as much time as he could have with his friends and family. Gw? Walau nilai gw ngga segemilang itu, gw lulus juga.

Why do we try so hard when we could've tried less and still get through it? Won't we all die at the end anyway?

Hari Sabtu kemarin for the first time gw berkunjung ke rumah teman gw yang meninggal. Hari Minggu, 17.o2.o8, was supposed to be his 21st birthday, but he never made it. Selama ini walaupun gw sedih, I guess it hadn't really sunk in yet.

Di rumahnya, kita diajak liat a little shrine yang disiapin keluarganya buat dia. It was like a little cabinet, di rak paling atas ada bunga, foto dia dan the urn with his ashes in it.. Nobody is supposed to fit into a jar that small.. Terus ada makanan favorit dia, bubble tea favorit dia. God, that seriously made me breathless. Di rak kedua, ada barang-barang dia. Ada ipodnya [which we gave him on his last birthday.. he never made it to the next one :(], trus ada gantungan kunci favoritnya, dan yang bikin gw paling sedih, dompetnya, lengkap dengan semua kartu-kartu dia dan simnya.. Gw ngeliatnya tuh ngenes banget..

Trus rak yang dibawahnya ada boneka-boneka hadiah selama dia sakit. Di lemari di bawahnya isinya buku-buku pelajaran dia, files, tempat pensil..

Gw ngga pernah merasa sesedih ini seumur hidup gw. His parents couldn't talk about him without crying. Bokapnya bilang, he didn't want to die because he was afraid he would miss us, his friends. This past couple of days I haven't been able to stop thinking about him and missing him.

What do you do when the person you miss you will never see again..?

Feeling a bit low today.. It was my graduation day and valentine's day, so there was plenty to be happy about, right? Wrong. When I woke up this morning I received a bouquet of red roses and chocolate. Did that make my day? No. Not that I'm not thankful for them, because I am. It was a sweet gesture. But it wasn't enough to make my day.

Then I got a present in the form of a makeover for my graduation. I was ecstatic. I love makeovers. And it saved me time because I didn't have to put makeup on myself but instead I got a professional to do it for me. Did that make my day? Not really.

Then I went to uni for my graduation ceremony. I was in euphoria. I couldn't believe it was happening. I enjoyed myself, talked to friends I hadn't met in a while, took a lot of awesome photos, GRADUATED, watched fireworks.. Did that make my day? Not so much. There is someone who was supposed to be there with us, celebrating his graduation, but he wasn't. He was taken away from us way too soon. Thinking that he should've been in his seat, sitting among us in his regalia, enjoying the atmosphere and the fireworks was enough to bring tears into my eyes.

And yes, there is something else. Something so important that has upped and left, leaving a huge hole in my heart. That definitely was the major reason why I was feeling low today.

I am so tired of this but I am too tired to fight..

Lusa gw graduation! On Valentine's day. Akhirnya.. setelah 3 tahun penuh perjuangan semuanya akan terbayar. Malam-malam panjang itu dimana gw harus duduk berkutat di depan buku dan laptop buat belajar atau bikin assignment membuahkan hasil juga. Ngga rugi deh semua keringat dan air mata yang udah gw keluarin selama bertahun-tahun karena akhirnya gw sampai ke akhir kehidupan sekolah gw.

Lucunya, waktu gw find out kalau gw udah lulus, gw cuma excited dan euphoria untuk beberapa jam. Setelah itu gw langsung merasa bingung dan ngga tau hidup gw mau dibawa kemana. Langkah apa yang harus gw ambil selanjutnya. Gw ngga pernah merasa sebingung itu seumur hidup gw. Gw put off cari kerja for a while dengan excuse gw butuh break sebelum gw mulai kerja. Akhirnya setelah dibujuk-bujuk dan membuat pact dengan seseorang, gw kirim juga CV gw. Seminggu setelah gw kirim CV, gw dapet kerjaan. Sekarang gw officially seorang guru les bahasa inggris di sebuah tempat les di Kelapa Gading. Cihuy!

Emang sih kerjaannya cuma part time, tapi I think that will do for the moment, while gw cari kerjaan lain yang bisa occupy hari-hari dimana gw ngga ngelesin. Senang banget dan ngga sabar banget buat mulai kerja. Gw udah ketemu sama calon murid-murid gw dan mereka amat sangat lucuu..

Having said that, ngga semua hal yang telah terjadi di bulan ini menyenangkan karena gw harus, for the nth time, say goodbye to one of my best friends yang dapat kerjaan diluar Jakarta. Sedih banget, tapi gw happy buat dia. It's an awesome opportunity. I guess at this age you learn to say goodbye a lot more than you used to when you were younger. Dan loe harus bener-bener bisa berdiri sendiri diatas dua kaki loe dan bikin keputusan-keputusan loe sendiri.

"Karena itu Aku berkata kepadamu: Janganlah kuatir akan hidupmu, akan apa yang hendak kamu makan atau minum, dan janganlah kuatir pula akan tubuhmu, akan apa yang hendak kamu pakai. Bukankah hidup itu lebih penting dari pada makanan dan tubuh itu lebih penting dari pada pakaian? Siapakah di antara kamu yang karena kekuatirannya dapat menambahkan sehasta saja pada jalan hidupnya?"

Matius 6:25,27

Standing on a crossroad. Not sure which road to take. Sometimes I wish my life was a straight line, so I wouldn't have to choose or make any big decisions that would lead to some sort of a consequence.

Now whether I like it or not, In have to choose which road I'll walk. Alone. I'm scared shitless, but I have to grow up and choose. Walk it through.

I don't wanna do this..


I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
And a little more each day..

Banyak yang kuinginkan di hidupku
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