Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like

Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

mika - grace kelly

Okay, a few things I wanna write about today. None having any connection with the other. Here it goes..

1. 2 weeks until exams! And I have not started studying. Arrgghh.. males banget siihhh.. I've been killing myself with the oh-so-boring homework that's still piling on my desk. Next week is the last week of the semester [before the final exams that is] and I still have homework! They should give us time to study..

2. I'm so pimply right now and I have no idea how to get rid of it. i've never been this pimply at any stage of my life before. Is this what they call.. the second puberty? Haha. Eh ngga ya.. does that only apply to guys? At a later stage of life? Hahah. Yeah whatever this is, it's seriously bugging me.. Ada yang bisa kasih tau gw ngga gimana cara ampuh menghilangkan jerawat dan bekasnyaaaa???

3. One of my dear friends in Indo is getting married next Saturday... I can't believe it! Hehe masih inget deehh yang kita pgi lunch bareng di EX. Gilaa it's been so long since I last saw him. It's been.. 2 years? He emailed me and told me that he's expecting me to be at his wedding. Uhh.. short notice? Haha. And sorry, I have yet to find a money tree. So.. I'll just send him prayers from here!

4. Why are you doing this..? Once again.. is it the forces of nature or am I being silly?

Recently a thought occurred to me...

Are the people I'm living for.. living for me?

Are there people who are living for me but I don't realise, and I shut them out of my life? Do the people I'm living for even know that I exist and that I care so much about them?

No, it's not that I expect some sort of gratitude or such. It's just that it makes me wonder whether I've got my priorities right, if I'm living for the right people. If the decisions I'm making are worth the pain I might be causing other people.

Oh I hope I'm living for the right people! :)

Dulu, waktu jaman*nya gw SD, kk gw punya temen deket yang serriinnng banged main ke rumah. He was practically a permanent addition to our house. Kalau libur pasti mainnya ke rmh, nginep di rmh.. Wkt pas kerusuhan bulan Mei aja dia ada di rmh gw, berpanik* bersama, lari* ke rumah saudara ngumpet*in dokumen* penting. Nah, the sweet innocent little me *halah* itu naksir berat dengan sosok laki* ini. [if you're reading this.. well I told you already anyway :P] I think dia itu cowo pertama yang gw taksir serius dan ini berlangsung selama bertahun*! Tapi gw tuh maluu banged sama dia jadi I hardly ever did talk to him walaupun dia sering banget ada di rmh gw. Hahah.

Laluu... gw pindah ke Perth dan kk gw lost contact sama dia. Otomatis gw juga ngga pernah ketemu dia lagi. Dan well, I moved on. He was forgotten and replaced. Okay technically not forgotten, because sometimes I still wondered where he was since we basically grew up bareng. But I don't feel "that" way about him anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, tiba* ada orang yang bernama sama message gw di Friendster. I never would've thought it was him. But guess what? It was. Hahah. Skrg kita jadi sering banged ngobrol di msn dan ternyataaa.. dia itu ngerti gw banget! Dan kita bisa ngobrol tanpa ada awkwardness or anything. So it's been fun and awesome. Gw seneng banget bisa dapet temen yang ngerti jalan pikiran gw dan bisa kasih gw masukan* yang masuk akal buat gw.

Aaahhh.. senangnya bertemu dengan teman-lama-yang-dulu-bukan-teman-tapi-sekarang-iya! :P

Belakangan karena gw merasa hidup gw kurang "dinamis" [ciyeh], jadi gw decide bwat rajin*in ngegym! Eh ngga ada hubungannya ya hidup dinamis sama ngegym? Well you get the point. Gw bosen sama hidup gw yg gini* aja aktivitasnya so I added an activity to the list. Pinginnya sih dijalanin terus ya, dirajinin gitu, seminggu 3 kali. At the moment I can fit twice a week, but three times a week agak* susah. Pinginnya sih weekend juga gitu, tapi weekend gw sudah penuh dengan gereja. Jadinya ngga bisa deh.

Sebenernya gw seneng sih ngegym, abis ngegym badan rasanya gimanaaaaa gitu. Tapi kali ini gw ngegym tujuannya bukan merely just to be fit! Tapi gw pingin sekaliii aja dalam hidup gw, gw memiliki perut rata yang membanggakan! haha. Actually if this works, it will be the second time. Dulu sempet berperut rata waktu gw masih ikut dance classes, trus abis udah ngga ikut lagi, males maintainnya. Begini deh hasilnya.

Manusia indah di foto berikut ini adalah target gw:



Kapaann ya gw bisa punya badan seindah Jessica Alba? Wakakakak. Well you know what they say.. Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you'll land among the stars. Hahah. At least walaupun ngga seindah itu, yaaa.. mendekati boleh lah yaaa... ;)

*photo courtesy of www.mickaloha.com

Pernah ngga merasa.. hilang? Maksud gw hilang tuh ya loe physically ada, bukannya loe physically invisible gitu. Loe ada, tapi rasanya kaya loe ngga tau loe berjalan kearah mana, loe ngapain, loe berbuat apa.. gitu. Kaya loe exist dan loe jerit-jerit buat orang nemuin loe tapi ngga ada yang bisa denger.

Pernah ngga merasa kaya loe ngejalanin hidup itu seakan-akan bukan loe yang jalanin karena loe bener-bener ngga ngerti diri loe sendiri? Jadi loe yang ngejalanin tapi rasanya kaya loe cuma floating in between dreams dan trying your best to get from one day to the next?

Gw lagi merasa hilang dan merasa gw ngga bisa nemuin diri gw sendiri. Gw lagi merasa tujuan hidup gw setiap hari ya cuma to get to the next day. That's a bad thing isn't it? Gimana caranya coba gw jalanin hidup tapi tanpa mengerti diri gw sendiri dan gw mau nya apa? Kayaknya udah bukan jamannya untuk gw masih "mencari jati diri" deh. Shouldn't I already have found myself?

I'm stuck in a place called here.

Dapet dari yodee..


*click on the image to see the bigger picture

I've found 80 absolut vodka bottles.. Can't seem to find the other 2!

I wish I could be with you
And I miss so much about you
And I wish my heart was unbreakable
Oh I wish my heart was unbreakable

*guy sebastian - unbreakable

Ceritanya kmrn gw mid exam. 70 multiple choice with 4 choices each. Gw belajar dari hampir 2 minggu sebelum hari examnya dengan stress level yang lumayan tinggi. However, closer to the date malah gw ngga stress* banged, byasa aja. The day before the exam, where I should be doing some last minute study, I spent laughing and having chats to my friends and yeah, spent about an hour or two studying.

Come the day of the exam, gw bener* ngga stress. Masuk ke ruang exam byasa* aja. Pas reading time dan gw baca itu exam paper, pusing rasanya. Pertanyaannya panjang* banged dan pilihan*nya juga panjang* banged dan mirip* bangeeeddd. So gw dengan santainya mulai ngerjain itu paper. 30 questions later, gw merasa super bosen dan pikiran gw mulai melanglang buana. Udah ngga konsen. Baca soal berkali* ngga masuk otak sama sekali. Parah deh.

Gw paksa*in tabah*in diri untuk nyelesaiin tuh paper. Selesai kerjain and after I walked out, I realised that I actually only guessed most of it! Gila kan. Gw blajar 2 minggu dan gw cm bisa guess? Ngga certain? Parah. Tapi anehnya, gw santai. Ngga ada rasa panik atau stress atau whatever. Nyantaaii..

Ah sudahlah. Sudah lewat juga. Ngga bsa diapa*in lagi.

Aside from that exam, kmrn gw ntn Spiderman 3! Bagus loohh.. Recommended deh kata gw. Eh, bakal ada lagi ngga sih sequelnya Spiderman? Or was that it?

Feeling pathetic. I'm one big moron for letting my emotions run my life. Run.. or ruin? Only a slight difference huh. I should quit this. This is not good for me. I should quit this.

I'm being pulled up and down, this way and that. I'm made to feel a certain way by the things said but am not supposed to expect anything. I should quit this.

Why is it so hard to quit? I guess it's not whether I can or cannot quit. It's more like.. I'm not ready to quit. Not ready to give this all up. But then again.. what's this?

Kebahagiaan semu. Tolol.