I opened Pandora's Box. All hell broke loose. Hell so disguised I thought it was heaven.
Guess what else I found?
Kryptonite.
Last night I had to close the box, before I get carried away even further. It was as if I had no strength within me. But I had to do it, for my sake.
I closed the box. My dreams are ripped off me yet again. But I know those dreams are only a mirage anyway.
I'm still waiting for the real thing to come along.
February 25, 2007
posted by driE at 12:36:00 AM
Changi Airport. Online using Malaysia Airlines' wireless network, using my own laptop. Yeah, this is so much better than having a time limit of 15 minutes using the free internet access and having to stand up in that 15 minutes.
I'm waiting for my connecting flight to Perth. I don't wanna be here. I wanna be at home, curled up in my bed, under my blanket, punching the keypads of my phone sending short messages, knowing that tomorrow is another day I can spend in Jakarta, my home. The place I'm going to? Not home. Just a stopover before I can finally say, "Yes, I'm home at last". Home with a degree in my pocket, an expensive experience of living in another country, and improved English.
I miss Jakarta already. The sights, the smells, the people, the comfort of being home.
Wanna know why I hate leaving you? With you I feel home. Too bad you don't feel the same way about me :)
I'm waiting for my connecting flight to Perth. I don't wanna be here. I wanna be at home, curled up in my bed, under my blanket, punching the keypads of my phone sending short messages, knowing that tomorrow is another day I can spend in Jakarta, my home. The place I'm going to? Not home. Just a stopover before I can finally say, "Yes, I'm home at last". Home with a degree in my pocket, an expensive experience of living in another country, and improved English.
I miss Jakarta already. The sights, the smells, the people, the comfort of being home.
Wanna know why I hate leaving you? With you I feel home. Too bad you don't feel the same way about me :)
February 15, 2007
posted by driE at 10:54:00 AM
Kemarin.. valentine's day bersejarah. Hang out di pinggir kolam renang apartemen [dengan sinyal xl yang hidup ngga, mati ngga maw. huh.] sambil menceburkan kaki ke dalam air, ngobrol panjang lebar ditemani 3 bungkus rokok. ESSE menthol, djarum black cappucinno, sampoerna.
Obrolannya bukan obrolan yang seperti biasanya, yang ngga ada tujuannya. Ini obrolan yang menusuk sampai ke hati. Membuka luka dan semua rahasia, membuat hati ini pedih.
It was a long overdue conversation. Sesuatu yang seharusnya sudah dibicarakan sejak lama. Kmrn secara tiba-tiba kesempatan itu datang menghampiri gw. Iya, on valentine's day. I'm not gonna lie and say it wasn't the most memorable valentine i've ever had, bcause it was. Rencana gw untuk pulang kantor dan langsung tidur batal. Ingin menolak pun ngga bisa soalnya ini sesuatu yang mendesak dan waktu gw di Jakarta tinggal seminggu.
Anyway, banyak hal yang menjadi jelas. Gw dapet jawaban atas banyak hal yang selama ini menghantui gw. Gw belajar banyak hal tentang dia, tentang segala kesulitan* dia, tentang hidup dia yang udah gw miss out setahun kemarin ini. Gw seneng dia percaya gw untuk menjadi tempat menumpahkan isi hatinya yang paling dalam.
4 batang rokok ngga kerasa habis bgitu saja. As I was reaching for my fifth,
"Kamu bakar lagi, aku pulang."
Jadi niat itu gw batalin. Dan dia ngga jadi pulang. Well, not for another 10 minutes anyway.
Ya sudahlah, gw sudah decide it's just gonna be one out of ordinary valentine, with two bleeding hearts. One day in my life. Just one day, nothing more.
Obrolannya bukan obrolan yang seperti biasanya, yang ngga ada tujuannya. Ini obrolan yang menusuk sampai ke hati. Membuka luka dan semua rahasia, membuat hati ini pedih.
It was a long overdue conversation. Sesuatu yang seharusnya sudah dibicarakan sejak lama. Kmrn secara tiba-tiba kesempatan itu datang menghampiri gw. Iya, on valentine's day. I'm not gonna lie and say it wasn't the most memorable valentine i've ever had, bcause it was. Rencana gw untuk pulang kantor dan langsung tidur batal. Ingin menolak pun ngga bisa soalnya ini sesuatu yang mendesak dan waktu gw di Jakarta tinggal seminggu.
Anyway, banyak hal yang menjadi jelas. Gw dapet jawaban atas banyak hal yang selama ini menghantui gw. Gw belajar banyak hal tentang dia, tentang segala kesulitan* dia, tentang hidup dia yang udah gw miss out setahun kemarin ini. Gw seneng dia percaya gw untuk menjadi tempat menumpahkan isi hatinya yang paling dalam.
4 batang rokok ngga kerasa habis bgitu saja. As I was reaching for my fifth,
"Kamu bakar lagi, aku pulang."
Jadi niat itu gw batalin. Dan dia ngga jadi pulang. Well, not for another 10 minutes anyway.
Ya sudahlah, gw sudah decide it's just gonna be one out of ordinary valentine, with two bleeding hearts. One day in my life. Just one day, nothing more.
February 13, 2007
posted by driE at 4:19:00 PM
Feeling quite mellow tday.. Knapa ya? Maybe it's the gloomy weather.. Or maybe it's bcause I'm reallyreally sleepy and tired.. Huumm..
After browsing around the internet, reading people's blogs about heartbreaks and heartaches, gw jd kpikiran. Kyna slama ini gw maksa banged diri gw bwat move on when I'm obviously not ready to. Gw selalu merasa klo gw tuh being ridiculous, getting so hung up on and miserable bcause of a guy. Tp after reading other people's experiences, I think it's okay to take time to get over someone. I mean, it's not easy to get over someone who was with me in some of the most important moments of my life.
Dan gw jg merasa gw force myself to move on not for me but for other people around me. Gw taw mereka udah cape dengerin curhatan gw yg itu* aja, lyatin gw nangis, nemenin gw ngobrol, hibur gw. To be completely honest gw juga cape. And I feel bad udah ngerepotin smua orang di sekitar gw. I rush, and what do I feel right now? Not that great. I thought by doing that then I'll move on quicker, but no. It doesn't work that way. Hati gw yg blum siap udah gw paksa* lagi.
I guess part of the reason why I rush myself to move on [and pretend that I'm okay when I'm not] is bcause if people see me upset or whatever bcause of this guy, they're gonna blame me for still keeping in touch with him. Is there any harm in that? Justru this way gw jadi taw kan klo gw emang udah bener* move on ataw blum. Dan stiap orang gw yakin punya cara yang beda untuk ngelupain seseorang. Ini cara gw and I wish people would respect that.
I'm gonna try to move on but it's gonna take more time than I told people it would and I'm gonna try my best to not bug people around me again. Udah cukup waktu mereka yang gw buang.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day and he was telling me dya rasanya udah cape banged trying to make everyone around him happy, and all his effort seem to go to waste. Klo menurut gw, kadang kita terlalu fokus on making people happy that kita ngga merhatiin diri kita sendiri, dan kita lose the point of making people happy: to make God happy. Klo motivasi kita untuk bikin orang happy itu salah, gw rasa that's where we go wrong. See how much we do things not for God, but for other people? I guess at the end of the day, we say that we wanna make people happy bcause it makes us happy. Right? We stop thinking about God and start thinking about us. That's where we go wrong.
Gw bilang sama dya, his effort dint go to waste, bcause I know he's tried his best and at the end of the day, being happy is a choice. These people can choose to find joy in every little thing in this world, or choose to be miserable. Some people choose to be miserable bcause they think it makes them better than everyone else, it gets other people's attention. But guess what? Being miserable doesn't make you better than everyone else, it just makes you miserable.
I'm tired of being miserable. I guess it's my time to choose to not be miserable huh :)
After browsing around the internet, reading people's blogs about heartbreaks and heartaches, gw jd kpikiran. Kyna slama ini gw maksa banged diri gw bwat move on when I'm obviously not ready to. Gw selalu merasa klo gw tuh being ridiculous, getting so hung up on and miserable bcause of a guy. Tp after reading other people's experiences, I think it's okay to take time to get over someone. I mean, it's not easy to get over someone who was with me in some of the most important moments of my life.
Dan gw jg merasa gw force myself to move on not for me but for other people around me. Gw taw mereka udah cape dengerin curhatan gw yg itu* aja, lyatin gw nangis, nemenin gw ngobrol, hibur gw. To be completely honest gw juga cape. And I feel bad udah ngerepotin smua orang di sekitar gw. I rush, and what do I feel right now? Not that great. I thought by doing that then I'll move on quicker, but no. It doesn't work that way. Hati gw yg blum siap udah gw paksa* lagi.
I guess part of the reason why I rush myself to move on [and pretend that I'm okay when I'm not] is bcause if people see me upset or whatever bcause of this guy, they're gonna blame me for still keeping in touch with him. Is there any harm in that? Justru this way gw jadi taw kan klo gw emang udah bener* move on ataw blum. Dan stiap orang gw yakin punya cara yang beda untuk ngelupain seseorang. Ini cara gw and I wish people would respect that.
I'm gonna try to move on but it's gonna take more time than I told people it would and I'm gonna try my best to not bug people around me again. Udah cukup waktu mereka yang gw buang.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day and he was telling me dya rasanya udah cape banged trying to make everyone around him happy, and all his effort seem to go to waste. Klo menurut gw, kadang kita terlalu fokus on making people happy that kita ngga merhatiin diri kita sendiri, dan kita lose the point of making people happy: to make God happy. Klo motivasi kita untuk bikin orang happy itu salah, gw rasa that's where we go wrong. See how much we do things not for God, but for other people? I guess at the end of the day, we say that we wanna make people happy bcause it makes us happy. Right? We stop thinking about God and start thinking about us. That's where we go wrong.
Gw bilang sama dya, his effort dint go to waste, bcause I know he's tried his best and at the end of the day, being happy is a choice. These people can choose to find joy in every little thing in this world, or choose to be miserable. Some people choose to be miserable bcause they think it makes them better than everyone else, it gets other people's attention. But guess what? Being miserable doesn't make you better than everyone else, it just makes you miserable.
I'm tired of being miserable. I guess it's my time to choose to not be miserable huh :)
February 12, 2007
posted by driE at 1:24:00 PM
Lagi menghadapi dilema yang sangat. Akhir taon ini gw [hopefully] lulus dan gw musti udh mulai mikirin gw maw ngapain abis itu. Yang jadi masalah banged, gw ngga maw kerja sesuai degree gw. Gw ngga pengen jadi accountant dan ngga maw jadi anything to do with finance. Nah loh. Bingung kaan. Nah.. gw ada bbrp pilihan niihh. Ini dia yang bikin gw dilema abis.
Option 1
Stay di Perth, kerja sesuai dengan degree gw, walaupun gw ngga suka. Dan gw personally jg ngga suka kota ituu. Tapi klo ngomongin kesejahteraan hidup ya hidup gw so pasti bakal lebih terjamin di Perth. Walaupun cost of living 2-3x cost of living di Jakarta, tapi gaji yang di dapet 10x daripada starting salary di Jakarta.
Option 2
Pulang ke Jakarta, jadi kutu loncat. Cobain kerja sana-sini sampai ktemu yang cocok, soalnya kan di Jakarta ngga harus punya degree yang sesuai dengan bidang kerjanya. Tambah lagi, I love it here! Well aside from those people who can't drive who should stay well off the road and the crappy infrastructure. However, di Jakarta hidup akan agak* kurang terjamin. Masa gw maw slamanya jadi parasit bonyok gw sih?
Option 3
Stay di Perth stengah tahun lagi, cari part time job sekedar untuk nabung. Lalu pulang ke Jakarta beserta dengan tabungan tersebut.
Klo maw ngikutin otak yah gw pilih option 1, tp gw bakal sedih banged knowing that I could've left but I didn't. Gw pengen pulang sih. Kmrn ini ada yg nanya apa keinginan gw balik indo itu ada sedikiiiit aja di influence sama the x factor. Gw bsa bilang dengan yakiiinn seyakin*nya, "nggak!" It's not the x factor. It's the me factor.
Well anyway, I've got at least half a year to think about it. Tadinya gw pikir gw harus cari pengalaman dulu, kerja sana-sini. Setelah kerja sana-sini, kok gw malah jadi tambah bingung yaaa??? Pusing ah.
On a lighter note.. it's almost valentine's day yet again. Ngapain yaa valentine ini??
Option 1
Stay di Perth, kerja sesuai dengan degree gw, walaupun gw ngga suka. Dan gw personally jg ngga suka kota ituu. Tapi klo ngomongin kesejahteraan hidup ya hidup gw so pasti bakal lebih terjamin di Perth. Walaupun cost of living 2-3x cost of living di Jakarta, tapi gaji yang di dapet 10x daripada starting salary di Jakarta.
Option 2
Pulang ke Jakarta, jadi kutu loncat. Cobain kerja sana-sini sampai ktemu yang cocok, soalnya kan di Jakarta ngga harus punya degree yang sesuai dengan bidang kerjanya. Tambah lagi, I love it here! Well aside from those people who can't drive who should stay well off the road and the crappy infrastructure. However, di Jakarta hidup akan agak* kurang terjamin. Masa gw maw slamanya jadi parasit bonyok gw sih?
Option 3
Stay di Perth stengah tahun lagi, cari part time job sekedar untuk nabung. Lalu pulang ke Jakarta beserta dengan tabungan tersebut.
Klo maw ngikutin otak yah gw pilih option 1, tp gw bakal sedih banged knowing that I could've left but I didn't. Gw pengen pulang sih. Kmrn ini ada yg nanya apa keinginan gw balik indo itu ada sedikiiiit aja di influence sama the x factor. Gw bsa bilang dengan yakiiinn seyakin*nya, "nggak!" It's not the x factor. It's the me factor.
Well anyway, I've got at least half a year to think about it. Tadinya gw pikir gw harus cari pengalaman dulu, kerja sana-sini. Setelah kerja sana-sini, kok gw malah jadi tambah bingung yaaa??? Pusing ah.
On a lighter note.. it's almost valentine's day yet again. Ngapain yaa valentine ini??
February 08, 2007
posted by driE at 4:56:00 PM
Hmm.. obsesi. Candu.
Kamu itu.. canduku.
Tidak baik untuk aku. Semua juga tau itu.
Aku juga tau kamu tidak baik untuk aku.
Tapi.. susah untuk berhenti.
Aku selalu ingin lagi. Lagi. Dan lagi.
Kamu itu.. seperti sebatang rokok.
Ya, rokok kretek yang kuhisap di rumahmu 3 hari lalu.
Manis. Tetapi pelan* akan menyakitiku.
Dengan ratusan macam racun yang memenuhi paru*ku.
Aku tanya kamu tentang kita.
Kamu bilang lihat nanti. Kita jalani saja.
Kita tidak bisa bersama saat ini. Belum.
Tunggu. Tunggu sampai nanti.
Aku pikir aku tidak akan menunggu.
Aku juga tau kamu tidak akan menunggu.
Kalau kamu memang untukku, waktu bukan halangan.
Kita akan berakhir bersama.
Tapi itu pun kita tidak tau.
Obsesi: Menjadi yang terbaik. Mungkin untukmu. Mungkin.
Kamu itu.. canduku.
Tidak baik untuk aku. Semua juga tau itu.
Aku juga tau kamu tidak baik untuk aku.
Tapi.. susah untuk berhenti.
Aku selalu ingin lagi. Lagi. Dan lagi.
Kamu itu.. seperti sebatang rokok.
Ya, rokok kretek yang kuhisap di rumahmu 3 hari lalu.
Manis. Tetapi pelan* akan menyakitiku.
Dengan ratusan macam racun yang memenuhi paru*ku.
Aku tanya kamu tentang kita.
Kamu bilang lihat nanti. Kita jalani saja.
Kita tidak bisa bersama saat ini. Belum.
Tunggu. Tunggu sampai nanti.
Aku pikir aku tidak akan menunggu.
Aku juga tau kamu tidak akan menunggu.
Kalau kamu memang untukku, waktu bukan halangan.
Kita akan berakhir bersama.
Tapi itu pun kita tidak tau.
Obsesi: Menjadi yang terbaik. Mungkin untukmu. Mungkin.
February 07, 2007
posted by driE at 4:12:00 PM
Rasanya udh bosen banged ngga ngapa*in aside from going to work. Di kantor pun ngga ada kerjaan, gw basically cuma disuruh jadi translator doang. Melototin huruf* super kecil yang bikin mata gw sakit dan bikin gw not so fond of reading anymore.
Gw kangen rumah. Gw kangen jalan* ke mall. Gw kangen sama Jakarta yang walaupun macet, at least gw masih bisa get to one place to another dengan naik sedan. Gw kangen dengan barang* gw yang gw tinggal di rumah.
Gw kangen hari* dimana kalau bikin janji ketemuan sama seseorang, ngga usah pake "nanti liat dulu deh ya, hujan atau ngga."
ps. where are you? kok smsku ngga di reply... hope you're okay..
Gw kangen rumah. Gw kangen jalan* ke mall. Gw kangen sama Jakarta yang walaupun macet, at least gw masih bisa get to one place to another dengan naik sedan. Gw kangen dengan barang* gw yang gw tinggal di rumah.
Gw kangen hari* dimana kalau bikin janji ketemuan sama seseorang, ngga usah pake "nanti liat dulu deh ya, hujan atau ngga."
ps. where are you? kok smsku ngga di reply... hope you're okay..
February 05, 2007
posted by driE at 2:20:00 PM
Jakarta banjir besar.
Not a surprise anymore I guess. Udh byasa banged kan Jakarta banjir? Aneh. Banjir kok jadi tradisi? Dulu klo banjir, orang* yang tinggal di bantaran sungai* itu yang jadi korban. Skrg smua orang jadi korban, termasuk mereka* yang tinggal di the so-called perumahan "elit".
Kelapa Gading itu termasuk perumahan elit kan. Ironisnya, Kelapa Gading itu salah satu tempat terparah yang kna banjir taon ini. Temen gw ada yang tinggal di salah satu perumahan di Kelapa Gading dan dya sempet kekurung di dalem rmh. No electricity, no water, no phone line, no food. Ngga ada yg bsa hubungin dya soalnya saluran telpon keputus dan hape dya mati keabisan batere. Dya ngga bsa kluar soalnya banjir dalem banged. Is that what you call elite?
Yang bikin gw marah, people don't learn. Mereka taw klo Jakarta tuh punya tradisi banjir besar 5 tahun skali. Pemerintah ngga melakukan apa*. Cuma ngomoooong aja bsanya. Orang* teteeeuuup aja buang sampah sembarangan. Kmrn dgn suasana Jakarta kerendem air, ada orang yang buang sampah sembarangan. Seriously.
Don't they get it? Don't they get that banjir itu diakibatkan oleh sampah yang dibuang sembarangan? Jelas* yang namanya nyampah itu bsa menghambat saluran air. Heran.
ps. kmrn gw dievakuasi naik truk TNI-AD! Funkyy.. hehe.
Not a surprise anymore I guess. Udh byasa banged kan Jakarta banjir? Aneh. Banjir kok jadi tradisi? Dulu klo banjir, orang* yang tinggal di bantaran sungai* itu yang jadi korban. Skrg smua orang jadi korban, termasuk mereka* yang tinggal di the so-called perumahan "elit".
Kelapa Gading itu termasuk perumahan elit kan. Ironisnya, Kelapa Gading itu salah satu tempat terparah yang kna banjir taon ini. Temen gw ada yang tinggal di salah satu perumahan di Kelapa Gading dan dya sempet kekurung di dalem rmh. No electricity, no water, no phone line, no food. Ngga ada yg bsa hubungin dya soalnya saluran telpon keputus dan hape dya mati keabisan batere. Dya ngga bsa kluar soalnya banjir dalem banged. Is that what you call elite?
Yang bikin gw marah, people don't learn. Mereka taw klo Jakarta tuh punya tradisi banjir besar 5 tahun skali. Pemerintah ngga melakukan apa*. Cuma ngomoooong aja bsanya. Orang* teteeeuuup aja buang sampah sembarangan. Kmrn dgn suasana Jakarta kerendem air, ada orang yang buang sampah sembarangan. Seriously.
Don't they get it? Don't they get that banjir itu diakibatkan oleh sampah yang dibuang sembarangan? Jelas* yang namanya nyampah itu bsa menghambat saluran air. Heran.
ps. kmrn gw dievakuasi naik truk TNI-AD! Funkyy.. hehe.