ahh.. sudahlah..
sudah amat letih untuk peduli
malam* sepi terlewati
beribu cara dilakukan tuk menghibur diri
kenapa perasaan ini tak mau pergi?
setengah nyawa pergi tak kembali

aku sudah tidak mau lagi!

kadang kalut liputi diri
bagaimana bsok ku hadapi?
terus menerus merasa sperti ini?
aku bosan, lelah, letih

tapi kenapa aku tak dapat berhenti?

God works best in the dark..

the past couple of weeks hvnt exactly been easy.. the rollercoaster is still rolling.. im starting to feel really sick frm it.. one minute im up, the next im down really low.. ah, why cant this stop? just stop.. just give me a moment to catch my breath.. just s t o p..

got exams coming up in 2 weeks.. i really cant afford to still be thinking about this while ive got to study.. i hope the studying takes my mind off things..

some days, at the end of each day, my head feels so heavy.. even if i hvnt been doing much all day, i feel so so tired n drained out.. some days i feel so emotionally n physically tired.. i feel like i have to put on a brave n happy face in front of ppl while inside, it kills.. but i do get some good days, where i can laugh n actually mean it..

but it hurts..

have you ever laughed on the outside, but cried so hard on the inside?
- been there, done that, still doing it..

yes yes
i will be fine.. it will take a while, dammit it will, but i will be fine
thank God for my family and friends
i'd probably be somewhere 'up' there [or maybe 'down' there] without them

katanya,
it's always better knowing than not knowing.
is it?

katanya,
being miserable doesn't make you better than anyone else.
it just makes you miserable.
does it?

ky nemo..

kcil, lucu, nakal, susah di cari di dunia yg ky gini dan walaupun siripnya cacat sebelah, he's still worth finding and loving..

im so tired of being on this emotional rollercoaster. it hurts so much, and sometimes i hate him for doing this to me, but i still miss him with all of my heart, all the time. he used to be in my thoughts every waking moment, every minute i lived is just to get through the day so i can get to the day when i get to see him, touch him, feel him beside me. now what? im just a piece of sh*t who walks around like a zombie.

i wanna hurt myself, just to take away this pain inside, even if only temporarily. i wanna be selfish, do something for me for once, and not having to care about anyone around me and not feeling guilty about it. i wanna smoke, get a tattoo, get a piercing, drink until im trashed, party all night.. anything, just to make me forget about this! im going crazy and i cant take it anymore. it hurts so bad and it makes me wonder if he's hurting as much as i am.

i dont wanna feel this anymore.. :'(

orang klo udh berani berbuat mst berani bertanggung jawab. harus konsekuen. i chose to walk that path for the second time. skrg udh jd ky gini, ngga seharusnya gw komplain. gw udah taw it will probably end up like this [though not exactly this way], ya gw harus konsekuen dong. masa gw berani berbuat tp ngga berani bertanggung jawab?

the past few months ive been the happiest person on earth. dan i feel so damn lucky. iya lah ada downs nya juga, tp setiap hal pst ada up nya dan ada down nya jg kan? dan all this time, all the ups have made up for all the downs. mgkn some ppl lyat gw bodoh banged, keledai aja ngga jatuh k lobang yg sama 2 kli kan? tp skrg gw maw berusaha bwat bangkit lg, start from the beginning lg. yes its gonna take time, its gonna take a heck of a lot of tears, its gonna drain me emotionally, physically n mentally, tp gw taw d skitar gw byk org yg msi care sama gw. dan dari sini gw baru lyat klo i do have friends yg emang tulus sayang sama gw.

dan iya, gw harus konsekuen. gw harus mesti kudu bertanggung jawab atas perbuatan gw. no point nyeselin apa pun skrg, i have to move on. for you, please sadar klo ada org yg emang tulus sayang kmu. please don't do anything stupid. please. take care.

sakit...

ada ngga ya cara untuk ngilangin trauma? gara* sbuah kjadian yang bener* membekas gw jd parno terus.. stiap kli ada suatu hal yang nyerempet hal* building up to that incident gw jd ketakutan sndiri n mulai mikir yg aneh*..

skrg hal* itu lagi tjadi lagi, takut.. gw ngga kuat klo mesti ngadepin itu lagi.. takuut.. :(